Open Your Eyes

One decision changes your entire reality

Oh my, it's been a while.

In the time since I last wrote about my current and prospective goals, I've accomplished several; ones that were, quite possibly, the most invaluable of my life as I know it thus far.

They say that, "Growin' up is hard to do" - this I will not dispute. After a rather daunting year of post-college living (which included my first job, my first house off campus, a reminder of what it feels like to love and lose, and a rather annoying voice in my head reminding me daily that I was not happy), I quit said first job, moved home to mom and dad's, became selfishly and unapologetically single, and began the age-old journey of trying to discover what would make me feel happy, content and at peace... is that what they meant by growing up?

If the end of the road leading to happiness and peace was marked "Z", I started firmly planted at "A". Home again? No job? No friends to call up and meet for drinks? My decision to abandon everything I had surrounded myself with for the past year left me with absolutely nothing to define myself by. When I ran into people I hadn't seen for a while, I would cringe in hopes that they didn't ask me what I'm doing with myself now and days. "Oh me? I'm just trying to find myself". Going back to school to pursue my graduate degree (which was the most logical option on my list), was most often the response that came out.

A month went by, then two. The time frame I had given myself to move back out and get another job was quickly approaching...and my spirits were steadily falling. I got more sad before I got happy. With risk of sounding dramatic, I think I felt the saddest I have ever felt. I cried - a lot. I searched and searched everyday for the "thing" that was going to make me happy. Grad school - but for what discipline? Traveling - to where? Volunteering - for how long and with what money? A new job - but would I love this one? I ended up pursuing, in one way or the other, everything that I thought could and would make me happy and feel purpose. I did apply, and was accepted, to graduate school for Education. Even though I was grateful for the opportunity, it didn't seem right; it didn't feel like what I should do. The registration deadline came and went. Traveling was mostly to Philadelphia to see my friends - I didn't get too far without faithful, fellow unemployed companions which, at the time, I had none of. Volunteering while traveling somewhere new seemed to be the best thing I could do with my time. I wanted so badly to go to India (as listed on my 33 before 33). A good friend's mother is the director of an organization called Dalit Solidarity - I would go to India for two weeks in December to teach at a school for Dalit children; I would teach ballet. This excited and delighted me - how meaningful, how helpful, how new, what an experience. At this point, it was September - what to do for the next three months before the trip that would last two weeks? Graphic Design, obviously. (We'll put this choice in the category of 'utterly lost and unsure'). So I enrolled in classes (hence the photography), at my community college.

I went through the motions of being a student again with a brave face although, again, it didn't seem right, didn't seem like I belonged there either. I wrestled with my uncertainty every night, mostly under the worried eyes of my parents who compassionately listened and gave supportive advice and head nods. What was I DOING?! Then, one night, I gave up...and everything changed. I'll purposefully paint a magical picture, because that's how I remember all of this happening. It might not have happened quite this way, or so quickly, but this is what I remember.

I gave up. I admitted that, at that moment, I didn't know what I wanted. I just didn't know. I didn't know why I was here, why I was spending this time the way I was, what would happen next. And that became OK. This is what sparked those feelings:

"the wise man's 'maybe' signifies a refusal to judge anything that happens. He knows that often it is impossible for the mind to understand what place or purpose a seemingly random event has in the tapestry of the whole. But there are no random events, nor are there events or things that exist by and for themselves, in isolation."

"when the basis for your actions is inner alignment with the present moment, your actions become empowered by the intelligence of Life itself."

"only is you resist what happens are you at the mercy of what happens, and the world will determine your happiness and unhappiness. what you fight, you strengthen and what you resist, persists. make peace."

"one decision changes your entire reality. but that one decision you have to make again and again and again - until it becomes natural to live in such a way."

And so I made the decision (and keep making and making and making) to "not mind" what is happening, to accept that it has a purpose, and to try my hardest to live in the present moment and pay attention to my actions as they happen now - not as they played out in the past or will in the future.

Let's rewind...

In a addition to crying...a lot. I had also been reading...a lot. The book that happened to make sense to me, and where the quotes above were taken from, was "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I had heard before a lot of the concepts he writes about; heck, I had been reading his same book for months - bits at a time. But finally, the words, the concepts - they just clicked.

The months at home had also left me a lot of time to hike, to be outside and not surrounded with the need for or pressure to have material things. My mom and dad were also always around with positive words and tons of love, which helped me just feel good. The combination of all of these things, I believe, contributed to my overall well-being and, yes, happiness and peace of mind. I found that when I was completely stripped of everything that had been defining me, I found out that I didn't need those things...that I had the possibility of being happy in life even when I didn't have - actually, especially when I didn't have - those things (a job, a place of my own, a significant other, all of the things we're supposed to have), to dictate my life. I realized that even after I lost a lot of things that were important, and had no idea how to regain those thing, I could be happy.

The fear of what could happen if you lost everything you knew vanished. Because I had. And I was OK.

I quit Graphic Design class. I made the decision to start looking for a new job and a new apartment in Philly. I called up my friend's mom to follow up about the India trip and the deposit check I had mailed her - I did still want to make this journey; I would simply tell my new employer about this trip upfront. She never got the check. She got the registration form...but no check. Had I forgotten to include it? I surely thought that it was in the envelope. Did I still want to go? I'd get back to her.

This is also what I remember...

The same day I went downstairs to log on to my computer to begin the arduous search of looking for a new job, I received an email from the director of the center where I had applied in June for a job I actually really wanted. I wrote off the application as a loss because they had never gotten back to me. But here was the email - Sorry about the delay, would I like an interview?

After several positive interviews and the feeling that this was right, this was where I belonged, I got the job. A great roomate and apartment fell into place simultaneously.

Some mornings I wake up and forget that I am exactly where I wanted to be so badly. I wake up and think that I have to come up with a plan. Then I realize - this is it. You're here. And then I feel happy. And then I feel content. And then I feel peace. It's "a decision that I make" for myself "again and again and again" and I plan to honor that decision, come what may, for the rest of my life as I know it.

P.S. I suppose that I should mention that I never completed the photography class, although I do promise to post pictures taken with my ultra-ambitious Nikon camera which makes me look like I've taken several classes. And I will not be traveling to India this December; I am concentrating on my new job and will plan that journey when the time is right.

Until then!

Julie